Background noise

 

The day is bright gray with the sun lightly shining through the clouds, breaking through enough that I have to squint to look out. I wish I had my sunglasses, but if I had them, I probably wouldn't be using them. The mildly piercing warmth causes me to unzip my jacket as I walk along the brownish orange sandy cliffs. The waves match the gray sky, but with a turquoise tint. The long period swell leaves the ocean glassy until four waves arrive in the distance every fifteen minutes, rolling in to break right where the crowd of surfers is ready.

I want to go out there. The surf is so good right now! Clean lines, no wind. Wow.

But I do not go. I am stuck in a limbo. The cliffs are a challenging descent and a more challenge ascent when you are returning tired with a board strapped to your leg. I watch an older man leaving the water, he finally reaches the plateau on the cascading rocks after paddling in place and then finding his footing on the slipper surface. He is almost to the dry part of the cliff where his friend is waiting and has been giving him instructions. A wave from in between the sets arrives CRASH the white water assaults him like a waterfall and he is pitched back into the sea where the backwash of that same wave arrives to hit him again before churning with the other waves. Detached from his board, he follows his friend's pointing hand to swim to find it and reattach so he can navigate another attempt. 

It is 11am on a Wednesday. My surf friends are working. They consist of a few guys who have girlfriends and an occasional female friend, who is never in touch with me as much as the guys are, as is typical in adult female relationships. Even if the guys were free, I’d endure another session of jealousy from my boyfriend who is currently at a distance. Doesn’t he see the ratios in the line ups? Once the surf goes over four feet high, it’s 20:1 men to women on a good day. The fact that I have any female surf friends is success over the odds.  

I could go solo. I'm strong, I'm experienced, I can time the sets and can duck dive the larger rollers that occasionally break outside. When I want to come back in, I can paddle two football fields to the beach area so I don't have to deal with the sketchy cliff exit. I could do it. But I don't. 

What if I got hurt? What if something happened. The headlines would read, "Young women drowns attempting to surf at Sunset Cliffs," the comments would discuss how I should not have been out there, how I definitely should not have been out there solo.  I would never be recognized as the, "dedicated waterwoman who looses her life doing what she loves." Being a female would immediately put me in a place where I was in the wrong for wanting so badly to surf these great conditions, for putting my desire to surf over the safety check of having a buddy.

I know this because I have seen it. Brazilian surfer Maya Gabeira got the record for biggest waves surf in 2020. Before that, however,  she had a major fall that put her in the hospital. On CNN, famous surfer, Laird Hamilton weighed in, “Maya doesn’t have the skill to be in these conditions,” said Laird. “She should not be in this kind of surf.” Maya wasn't the first big waver surfer to end up in a near death experience. Multiple surfers over the years have found themselves in trouble and when that happened, others in the surf community contribute with quotes like, “People are always going to push limits individually, and that is their prerogative,” (UK surf magazine Carve). Another magazine article outlines how the big wave surf victim survived, "(he) is known among the big wave riding community for his meticulous attention for detail. Ultimately, it was that obsession that saved his life," and it continues on to detail his chaotic underwater experience and he alone managed to survive. (SI). None of these guys are shamed for pushing their limits.

The questioning of whether women belong or deserve to belong is constant. I went to a local used surfboard shop with a clean list of dimensions I wanted for a board. 

"This is for you?" the guy asked.

"No, no, it's for a friend flying in, figured it was a better deal to just buy one than pay to bring it on the airplane. We're going to Baja!" I responded, opening it up to get some info about the Baja breaks.

"Where in Baja?" he asked.

"K-38, seems like an awesome point break." I said.

"K-39? Be careful. Lots of rocks, rocky break. Be careful, do you have booties? he warned, then asked if I had equipment basic to most surf trips around here.

"Um yeah," I said. Of course I have booties, it's winter in California and I'm traveling to surf reef point and breaks.

"You're surfing too?" he asked. I thought it was obvious I was involved in this.

"Yeah, I'll probably ride my 6'2," I trailed off, not feeling comfortable justifying myself.

I paid for the board and left. I hope I can surf  K38 since we are staying right near it, I hope its not too challenging. I arrived to the break a few days later and saw the rocks. Lots of rocks at low tide and a few out further to keep an eye on. It didn't seem like anything crazy, it seemed like a normal rocky/reefy spot. When it was time to get out in the water to surf, I walked out slowly, waiting to be in a good position after the sets came in. 

When it slowed down, I hopped over the last wave of white water, landed on my board, and started paddling. The water was frigid, but clear, I could see every crevice and urchin below. A set arrived in the distance, I paddled out to meet the first wave and dive under it. There are more. I just wanted to get in a better spot. The second one rolled closer, I looked to my right, no one there was prepping to take the wave. I sat back on my board, pulled it close so I could pivot to start paddling parallel to get to the peak. I looked over my left shoulder, took a breath in, ready. I paddled again, this time to catch the wave, looking over checking over both shoulders to see where I was and what the wave was doing. That moment of rapid movement hit, I stopped paddling and put my hands down so my feet could land underneath  me. I was on it.

I took a turn to the bottom of the wave, then pressed back up to the lip. It's holding up so nicely! I threw my shoulders back down so the board would follow into another turn. Again and again I turned, some big ones up to lip, other small ones for speed. The wave held for a few more yards before I hopped off to paddle back out.

This break is amazing. I took a few more waves that day. Thin crowds and first day down in Baja, I had all my power ready to ride theses. As the tide rose, the waves began to lessen, too much water for the peaks to crack, they turned into mounds of water arriving. I took one last one in and walked again over the rocks to return to the beach. Leaning down to pull the velcro and release the leash from my ankle, water trickled out from my sinuses, as was usual after a long surf session. 

Beautiful. I laughed to myself. But that surf shop guy made it seem like I was going to surf over razor sharp rocks formed into points and positioned to annihilate me. 

The break was not a nice sandy beach. It got big when the swell was big, it was fun when the swell was fun. I had a blast, but it had taken a second to shake that fear the guy had instilled from his warnings. What if I had gotten hurt there? Would I have thought I'm not good enough to have explored that break? Would I have proven him right in his warnings? Would he have said the same threats with a condescending tone to a guy?

Maybe I'm being dramatic, but the guy wasn't asking about my surf equipment to try to sell me anything. Maybe I'm too sensitive, but I'm unsure how to shake the looks of questioning as to whether I deserve to be out there. Maybe guys are just more into competition and more comfortable with being out there surfing partly to prove themselves to others in the water, but why would I want to waste my time with that mentality? I'm not a big wave surfer, I'm a medium wave surfer. and I just wanna go out in the water and enjoy with out all this background noise.


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